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Happy new year all, and thanks for keeping an eye on Mr Attenborough. 2016 was a worry.

This last month has seen a youth promotion rate of 33%. All manner of "guaranteed" methods for promotion have been scientifically tested and I can confirm I have spotted a pattern. I'm not going to give away my secret findings but I will give you a hint. It rhymes with "a road of rollocks".

The successful youth made it to my team against the odds. A goalkeeper with no hands. Should go far. If things don't work out for him he can go and work elsewhere, which brings me to my next venture.

Seemingly the IAG pension pot has survived various grab attempts from pork-pirate David Cameron and trouser botherer May and their cronies. As such many players have decided the time is right to hang up their pixelated boots and head to the IAG retirement home, ItsAPensionerdotorg (patent pending).

I'm off to build a second tier to the retirement home as we have somethin of an oversub at the moment. Gonna be busy. Will update you next month.

Best wishes for the new year all. May the force be with you, and you be one with the force.